Custom Microsoft Keyboard
Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more functional. The keys in development are:
1.GPF key--This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
2.$$ key--When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
3.ZD key--This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
4.MS key--This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.
5.FUD key--Self explanatory.
6.Chicago key--Generates do-nothing loops for months at a time.
7.IBM key--Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.
Microsoft Announces New, Configurable Blue Screen of Death!
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end-users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.
The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?"
A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second place answer "Downloading XXXScans" by an easy 12 points.
"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers," explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.
Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.
The BSOD is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent
departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.
Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.
Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that GNU/Linux even has a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."
Summit
God was fed up; enough is enough. In a crash of thunder, three influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates were summoned to heaven for a meeting. "The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Afterlife
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by Saint Peter.
Foot-and-mouth virus
Atlanta, Georgia.
Scientists at the Centers for Disease Control and Symantec's AntiVirus Research Center today confirmed that foot-and-mouth disease cannot be spread by Microsoft's Outlook email application, believed to be the first time the program has ever failed to propagate a major virus.
"Frankly, we've never heard of a virus that couldn't spread through Microsoft Outlook, so our findings were, to say the least, unexpected," said Clive Sarnow, director of the CDC's infectious disease unit.
The study was immediately hailed by British officials, who said it will save millions of pounds and thousands of man hours. "Up until now we have, quite naturally, assumed that both foot-and-mouth and mad cow were spread by Microsoft Outlook," said Nick Brown, Britain's Agriculture Minister. "By eliminating it, we can focus our resources elsewhere."
However, researchers in the Netherlands, where foot-and-mouth has recently appeared, said they are not yet prepared to disqualify Outlook, which has been the progenitor of viruses such as "I Love You," "Bubbleboy," "Anna Kournikova," and "Naked Wife," to name but a few.
Said Nils Overmars, director of the Molecular Virology Lab at Leiden University: "It's not that we don't trust the research, it's just that as scientists, we are trained to be skeptical of any finding that flies in the face of established truth. And this one flies in the face like a blind drunk sparrow."
Executives at Microsoft, meanwhile, were equally skeptical, insisting that Outlook's patented Virus Transfer Protocol (VTP) has proven virtually pervious to any virus. The company, however, will issue a free VTP patch if it turns out the application is not vulnerable to foot-and-mouth.
Such an admission would be embarrassing for the software giant, but Symantec virologist Ariel Kologne insisted that no one is more humiliated by the study than she is. "Only last week, I had a reporter ask if the foot-and-mouth virus spreads through Microsoft Outlook, and I told him, 'Doesn't everything?'" she recalled. "Who would've thought?"
Error Messages
Microsoft has announced that it is going to sell advertising space in the error messages that appear in Windows98. Acknowledging for the first time that the average user of their operating system encounters error messages at least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to take financial advantage of the unavoidable opportunity to make an ad impression
Microsoft Automobile
Bill Gates once commented that if Auto companies had embraced progress like computer companies, everyone would be able to buy a vehicle for $25, and get 1000 miles per gallon.
The MD of GM, when confronted with this, retorted "That may be so, but who wants to crash twice a day?"
Stung by this, Bill Gates has announced a new Microsoft development - hopefully, as he put it, "Moving in a new direction"
Originally intended to be called the 'Auto 1.0', the new vehicle will now be called 'Auto 2001' and will hit the streets in 2002. Or soon after.
If you choose to drive the Auto 2001, rather than simply admire the workmanship, you may find that the engine just dies, for no apparent reason. Maybe several times a day, usually when in heavy traffic, or medium or light traffic. Whatever. "This is perfectly normal," say Microsoft "all you need to do is restart it. We're confident that millions of people will just accept this."
The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "General Car Fault" warning light, a sophisticated new development. "New features like this have really excited the media," smiled Jim Watson, Microsoft's man in the showroom, "despite the fact that similar features have been available in other companies' products for years"
The last man without Windows 95
There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft.
- "Not you again," I said.
- "Sorry," he said, a little sheepishly. "I guess you know why I'm here."
Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it.
I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95.
And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no for an answer.
- "No," I said.
- "You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows95 from a briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."
- "Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a copy."
- "Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."
- "You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said. "Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."
The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.
- "Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you can't USE it?"
- "Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy."
- "People without computers?"
- "Got 'em."
- "Amazonian Indians?"
- "We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."
- "The Amish."
- "Check."
- "Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?"
- "We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. "But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you."
- "So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?"
- "If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."
- "No."
- "Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you what. I'll GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He waved the box in front of me.
- "No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something."
- "It did."
- "Pardon?"
- "World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."
- "So what happened?"
- "Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to make a profit off of world peace."
- "Go away," I said.
- "I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."
- "You have got to be kidding," I said.
- "Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the AMISH. The Amish! Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsylvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product. It's embarassing to BILL."
- "Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.
- "He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."
- "He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident."
- "Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said, nervously. "Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"
- "Terrible. There's an active volcano there."
- "It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.
- "Look," I said, "even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"
The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.
- "'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"
- "There's a LOT of domestic animals out there," he said.
I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.
Microsoft Tid-bits
If Ford built cars the way Microsoft builds software, we would all be driving aircraft carriers.
"I'd say the probability of Windows containing a backdoor is about
the same a spreadsheet containing a flight simulator." -- Phil Hunt
(There is a simple flight simulator hidden in MS Excel.)
Dictionary
Windows 95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of
competition.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
The classically minded among us may have noted a new TV ad for Microsoft's Internet Explorer e-mail program which uses the musical theme of the "Confutatis Maledictis" from Mozart's Requiem. "Where do you want to go today?" is the cheery line on the screen while the chorus sings "Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis."
Microsoft Beggar 1.0
Microsoft Corporation chair Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Beggar.
"The idea came to me the other day, when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became the competition, so I had my limo driver run over him a few times."
Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century. "We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."
Microsoft Beggar will be automatically installed with Windows 98. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal.
"This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller," since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what beggar doesn't embellish the truth a little?"
The user can click [Yes], in which case a random amount of change (between $.05 and $142.50) is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond [No], in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day.
The [No] button has yet to be implemented. "We're experiencing a little trouble programming the [No] button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe."
Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products. "Be on the lookout for the beta versions of new products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squigee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar."
Apparently, when Microsoft Squigee Guy 1.0 ships, probably next June, Windows 98 will no longer automatically refresh your screen display. Not that it does now! But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own.
"When you talk about Gates, the wheel is spinning but the hamster's gone, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."
Baby Gates
For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26, at 6:11 pm.
And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?
1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without A LOT of third party support.
2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.
3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.
4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which preceeded them.
5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and grow and grow with each passing year.
6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone can produce one.
7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.
8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the actual release.
9. Bill gets the credit but someone else did most of the work.
10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.
August 24th
August 24th: Day of Ruin
- MT. Vesuvius Destroys Pompeii, 79 AD
- Fall of Rome, 410 AD
- British Burn D.C., 1812
- Windows 95 Released, 1995
Poetry of Errors
Tokyo, Japan March 16 - A Japanese Electronics company has announced its own computer operating system, now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows and DOS systems, the new system will draw from the Japanese culture.
A spokesperson said: "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human Japanese face on what has been until now-an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku
poetry."
The haiku messages are just as informative as Microsoft's and they make you pause just long enough that you're able to fight the impulse to put a fist through the screen.
The company has released some examples:
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
You seek a Web site.
It cannot be located.
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Stop reflect and reboot.
Order shall return.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows are like that.
First snow then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
With searching comes loss.
The presence of absence.
"June_Sales.doc" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao
Until you bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed.
The Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Which has occurred?
You step in the stream
But the water has moved on.
Page not found.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky
But we never will.
Having been erased
The document you are seeking
seeks to be re-typed.
Serious error.
Screen. Mind.
Both are blank.
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